Talkers

A MLWTCO reader was nice enough to forward along this article on Talkers from MSNBC. Thank you, fan!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18701738/

My fool-proof rules to avoid the Talkers start at the very moment that your seat companion sits down:

• You never initiate the Talking.
• You never make eye-contact.

However, Jammahs only follows the rules on Travel Day Monday when I’m in a coma-like state and avoid Talkers like they are Nazis. On Travel Day Thursday, I let my guard down a little bit. I really don’t think I’m happier at any point the entire week—nothing beats that last day of school feeling. There’s often an airport Amstel or a glass of white wine to contribute to that. I never Talk first though—never, ever. Ok, maybe not never. I have a weakness for tall boys in blue button down shirts.

I don’t Talk but I like to check out my seat neighbors. I like to size them up in the first 10-20 seconds of sitting next to them to determine if they are a Road Warrior or Travel Rookie; if they will be a Talker or silent; and if they work for ABC Consulting. I make silent bets in my head to see if I’m right…hey, I’m on planes a lot. I need something to entertain myself. And, you all know that I have an active imagination.

In my years of traveling, I have developed a methodology to ranking the Talkers. The total talking time is based on an average flight time of 2.5 hours:

Non-Talker: Passenger is in their own happy place. No eye contact. No sound. Completely mute. Frequent use of iPod. Multiple reading materials. Ambien. Alcohol.
Total Talking Time: N/A

Stage 1: Quick exchange of pleasantries. A hello. A nod. They pass you your diet coke.
Total Talking Time: <2 minute.

Stage 2: Exchange of pleasantries extends beyond “how are you”. May ask what you do and if you are flying for business or pleasure. Discuss the flight delay or the turbulence or the weather in the destination city.
Total Talking Time: <5 minutes.

Stage 3: Exchange of pleasantries extends throughout flight. Talking is not constant, more like sprinkled throughout the flight. Talker asks you questions as to why/where you are traveling. You may share common interests or job experiences. You may actually contribute to the conversation, respond and ask follow-up questions. You talk about the latest issue of American Way. You don’t mind talking to the Talker. The conversation is interesting. It’s a healthy balance between being a Talker and being an Intruder. The Talker is polite. And well-mannered. And, Talker has good breath (essential in the closed and confined spaces of the aircraft). Talker may offer you their newspaper or In Touch when they are done reading it. You think that if you have a Talker next to you, you wish that they would all fall into the Stage 3 category. You may actually suggest exchange of business cards.
Total Talking Time: <40 mintues

Stage 4: Talker starts out as a Stage 3 and then morphs into a Stage 4. That’s when you get caught by surprise and say to yourself, “ugh, Jammahs, he’s a Stage 4. You sucker.” Stage 4s start out interesting and engaging. But, then when you just want to listen to your music, daydream or blog, it’s like they get offended that you chose a different activity over talking to them. And, that’s the very moment that they become persistent. They ask follow-up questions. Like twenty minutes after you say that you live in Union Square, they will be like, oh hey, have you ever been to Coffee Shop? And, then they look at your bag, magazines, water, anything you have on you to try to engage you in conversation. Examples: Do you like your iPod? Did Britney really shave her head? What does Platinum on your boarding pass mean? I’m more of a Diet Pepsi person—you like Diet Coke? Flip flops to work—boy you’re lucky! How’s Verizon cell phone service? They dig deep. The desperation shows. Stage 4 Talkers frequently ask for your business card. You reluctantly give it to them.
Total Talking Time: <90 minutes


Stage 5: Talker doesn’t care if you are a chimpanzee. You really could be an inanimate object—like a stuffed animal. Or just not exist at all. Your seat could be completely empty—void of person. It doesn’t matter. Talker is going to board the plane and just Talk. While you Sit, they Talk. Talk to you, Talk to the air, Talk to the Flight Attendant, the passenger across the aisle, the people on line to use the lavatory. They Talk all the time. They never stop. Not even during take-off or during unexpected turbulence. You use your Talker in-flight combat weapons—iPod, magazines, close eyes, shift body to look directly out aircraft window. Nothing works. NOTHING. A serious case of a Stage 5 is rare, but it happens. It’s happened to me twice. The first instance is when I used a precious upgrade to First Class Window. The Talker was an older man who told me about his entire divorce. I knew every detail that I could have been part of his legal team. The second was back in my non-status days in Regular Row. I was on my way from MSP to BOI. Apparently saying that I work in hospitals was the impetus for her to rattle off her entire medical history of the past 25 years. Every detail. Every little detail that you should only share under a fake name in an on-line medical chat room. Stage 5 Talkers should be banned from flights. Or, strapped to the roof. Or put in a separate seating area, so that they can all just Talk to each other. About anything. About nothing.
Total NON-Talking Time: <1>