Worse Than A Talker

I’ve been wearing my anti-Talker armor on flights. It’s like a bullet-proof vest or an SPF 90 against the Talkers. I’ve been all heads down, no eye contact, iPod in both ears, while intensely staring out the window. But, strangely enough, everyone in my Delta Shuttle Open Seating Row has been doing the same. For real, it’s been like months since I have come across one. The last time I was forced to talk to a Talker was on an RIC-LGA flight circa December. That’s a long time—I’ve been on at least 25 planes or trains since then.

And, I haven’t initiated conversation at all. Ok, that’s a lie. I confess. The Road Warrior throws out all rules when it comes to a cute, tall Boy in Blue Shirt. I sat next to one on a Monday morning Delta Shuttle flight. He was on his Blackberry. The Captain announced that we were second in line for take off. I masked my panic of in-flight use of electronics with a little Road Warrior humor:

Jammahs: If you don’t shut that off, I am going to have to report you to the Flight Attendant.

Boy: Are you serious?

Jammahs: No, not at all. Was just kidding….

Boy: Um, ok.

He semi-laughed, but he turned off the Blackberry. And then I felt stupid for the next 42 minutes of in flight time. I really need to stick to my mantra. I mean, a freakin’ Kennedy sat down next to me and I didn’t utter one little word. Really though, who wants to hear stories about growing up in the White House and being the sibling to JFK Jr.?

It’s been so long that Jammahs declares that she actually MISSES the Talkers. Maybe Talkers aren’t all that bad? Talkers certainly keep things interesting and pass the in-flight time. And, you never know when the Talker may actually be helpful or witty.

Or, maybe, just maybe, I am having a lapse in judgment as I have experienced a breed worse than the Talker. Yes, it is possible. I was seated next to an AIR MUSICIAN. He passionately “played” his “instruments” on an entire flight from DCA to LGA. He “strummed” every guitar note, “drummed” every drum solo, and “keyed” every note on the piano. Oh, and, he lip-synched vocals. Occasionally he would bounce, but he always tapped his foot to the beat. He didn’t talk at all. It was like music was his only language. It was like he had no regard for anyone around him. And, he certainly had no regard that he was shaking both of our seat backs. It was if the music had enveloped him—no possessed him-- and there was no turning back.

Here’s the thing: You can politely bow out of conversation with a Talker with an “I’m tired” or “I’m going to read now”, but can you really ask an Air Musician to stop “playing” without sounding totally insane? And, how would you even phrase that request? Like, can you please stop “playing” the “piano” on your leg and the “drums” in the air? Or, excuse me, sir, your “guitar” is reaching into my personal space?

Let it be known to all Road Warriors and Travel Rookies: Jammahs has changed her policy. I will talk to you. Actually, I will lead the entire cabin in a white board discussion. I will even bring along the white board in my carry-on. Or, I will create a PPT presentation prior to the flight and print out a copy for everyone. It will even be spiral-bound. But, in return, you have to promise to sit with your hands folded nicely in your lap and place all instruments in the overhead bin for the duration of the trip.